Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
