Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
