they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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