Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
