I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My pussy is not your playground.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
