Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
