did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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