omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
