how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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