He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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