1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
