im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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