Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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