Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
