so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
