fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize