New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
