are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
