i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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