You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
