a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also, beer. Big fan.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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