TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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