i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
