Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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