Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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