i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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