Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize