I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My hand turned me down
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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