whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
