I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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