you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
