hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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