I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
