dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
