I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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