It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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