i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
