"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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