One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
