It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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