His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
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