he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
