well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
