i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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