Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
