My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
