Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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