I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
