pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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