dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
