I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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