I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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