the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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