Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
