The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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