My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we made out on top of his cat.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
