I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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