I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
